Ouch

I really have to ask. To anyone who might be kind enough to read...
Is caring too much, about life in general, unattractive? Are overly, genuinely caring people annoying to be around? Do they make bad mates? Are we bad lovers? 


Even when we try hard to handle our emotions on our own, are we a burden to those around us? 


Well, if other overly, genuinely caring people aren't, I must be.

Alive! I Survived!

Well, I made it through the night! Only the rest of Sunday ahead of me. I would feel proud of myself except that I had to call one of my friends to come hang out with me... But I survived. And half the battle of overcoming panic is to realize that nothing deadly or doomsday-y is going to happen. And it didn't.


Off for some coffee. <3 Which I love. More later perhaps. College homework calls!

Lonely Saturday Evening

I wish that I knew how to be alone. I wish that it didn't make me feel like the end of the world is coming. I wish I knew how to entertain myself for long periods of time. I wish that people being away or gone, even for a day or two, didn't make me feel lost in the dark abyss of the universe.


Is this normal? Do normal people struggle with intense fear and near insanity when sitting alone in front of the TV on a Saturday evening?


Being alone pervades every part of my being. It kicks at my stability and eats at my mind. My emotions amplify a million times. Why? I have no reason to fear being alone.


I've called who I can. But even then I feel such shame in begging people to come sit with me in my time of tearful, fearful, anxiety. So how do I handle it by myself...? Or how do I lose the shame and fear of asking people to help me? Will my friends think I'm weak? Will they avoid me? 


Will I ever get married? Who wants to spend the rest of their life with an emotional basket case? 


If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does progress in this area even matter if no one but me can see it?


Most days I feel great. Most days I can either handle being alone or I can handle it myself. But on days like this it seems like it doesn't matter how I feel the rest of the time.


But it DOES matter!
I HAVE made that progress!
I can't forget that... I CAN'T! 
God has led me through such a thick darkness... Now it is a shadow. Sometimes it may seem dense and dark but the truth remains that there is more light illuminating my world than there ever has been.


I need to hold on to those things... Even when I feel them slipping through my fingers. Like sand in an hourglass. 


My progress is real. 


I just wish I could touch it...

Time to Wake Up

11:16 on a Thursday morning and I still can't seem to get my brain to work right.  Time for some coffee! A large latte should do the trick.
It's amazing how a rushed morning can throw off the rest of your day.  My sweet boyfriend just felt like being productive this morning! & yet, my ability to empathize is not yet activated at 7:00 in the morning... And now, not even half way through the day, I'm ready to jump right back under those warm covers.
I really do need to be productive today.  However, I just don't feel like it!  What a cruel joke-- a Thursday that feels like the Friday at the end of a very long week.

So, as I sip my coffee and attempt to jump start my brain, I find myself wondering what in the hell I'm actually going to blog about.  How does one determine what is interesting enough in their daily lives to go on a blog?!  ...  I'm sure I'll figure something out.



Either way, I'm sitting in my office, blinded by fluorescent lights & feeling the life seep back into me with every sip of coffee I take.  Mmmmmm.

Coffee Addicts Unite!