I wish that I knew how to be alone. I wish that it didn't make me feel like the end of the world is coming. I wish I knew how to entertain myself for long periods of time. I wish that people being away or gone, even for a day or two, didn't make me feel lost in the dark abyss of the universe.
Is this normal? Do normal people struggle with intense fear and near insanity when sitting alone in front of the TV on a Saturday evening?
Being alone pervades every part of my being. It kicks at my stability and eats at my mind. My emotions amplify a million times. Why? I have no reason to fear being alone.
I've called who I can. But even then I feel such shame in begging people to come sit with me in my time of tearful, fearful, anxiety. So how do I handle it by myself...? Or how do I lose the shame and fear of asking people to help me? Will my friends think I'm weak? Will they avoid me?
Will I ever get married? Who wants to spend the rest of their life with an emotional basket case?
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Does progress in this area even matter if no one but me can see it?
Most days I feel great. Most days I can either handle being alone or I can handle it myself. But on days like this it seems like it doesn't matter how I feel the rest of the time.
But it DOES matter!
I HAVE made that progress!
I can't forget that... I CAN'T!
God has led me through such a thick darkness... Now it is a shadow. Sometimes it may seem dense and dark but the truth remains that there is more light illuminating my world than there ever has been.
I need to hold on to those things... Even when I feel them slipping through my fingers. Like sand in an hourglass.
My progress is real.
I just wish I could touch it...
No comments:
Post a Comment